5 WAYS TO MEET THE ONE NOW

Tired of trying to find the right one? Look at these 5 easy ways I have outlined to see where you may be wrong!

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1.    Invest in Yourself: It all begins with Y.O.U-learn to make a difference in how you approach your day-be more structured around your relationships, be intentional with your friendships, be conversational with your talents-learn and grow and allow yourself to adapt and align with your environment. Give room for yourself to bloom-this is how I like to put it and this is dependent on your environment-ask yourself-are my friends truly my friends? Am I intentional about how I spend my time? What do I love to do?

2.    Time is Money: Don’t invest where you are not appreciated-a common mistake is to overcompensate too early-investing where you do not see a return too quickly. Investing where there is no equal cost-you are making all the emotional, financial, physical investments in the relationship-i.e you are taking all the risk-you are carrying all the stress alone-they have nothing at stake. Be careful. And be very aware. Time is money and it will cost you emotionally and mentally if you invest your love where it is not reciprocated. Learn to identify those that do not value you by listening to their actions.

3.    Channel Your Focus: Once you have invested in yourself and pulled out of non- refundable endeavors i.e. relationships that don’t give you a return, channel your focus-as you grow your desires should begin to mirror your growth. You should be able to focus at this stage on what you desire in life and as a result, who you desire to share your path with. But remember, in order to meet this man/woman you have to become that man/woman. You desire a hard worker? Then you have to work hard. You desire someone that is financially stable? Then become financially fluent-learn to mirror your desires because this will prepare you to be able to relate to and identify men/women that fit this desire in your heart and it would also allow you to understand them intimately-why? Because you have become one of them.

4.    Mature Your Mentality: As you mature your desires will shift-you change from a boyfriend/girlfriend mindset to a husband/wife mindset. In other words, you start thinking long term-this is what happens when you channel your focus. You become interested in more permanent goals rather than temporary distractions. This allows you to really gauge the possibility of potential partners that come your way saving you stress down the line of trying to think why the relationship is not moving forward or why they have not decided to commit to you yet. When you are in the position in the present to access your future because your mindset has shifted into a permanent landscape of possibilities you would not miss the right man/woman when they present an opportunity. You will also save yourself tons of heartache down the line with a mature mindset.

5.    Mix and Mingle Intentionally: Your future prospect would not be hanging out in certain circles-evaluate your environment. Are you looking for a financially stable man/woman-chances are they would not be gambling. Are you looking for someone that is intellectually stimulated or artistically inclined-attend more plays, events, visit more museums-network in the right niche. Are you interested in someone that is spiritually focused? Start becoming active in church-you need to mix and mingle intentionally and network in the right niches to meet someone that shares the same values and interests as you would. This will also force you to face the reality of your identity-are you someone that can hold a financially driven conversation? Do you have an interest in plays? Do you need to grow more spiritually? This is the power of your now. When you begin to take these steps now, you would become comfortable in the environment your potential partner is in. Also and arguably more importantly, you would be able to identify if the man/woman of your dreams suits your reality.

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IS HE THE ONE FOR YOU?

Hey Guys!

For the next couple of weeks both here and on my Youtube Channel, I will be discussing godly dating, being a woman of God, a man of God and much more!

Should be interesting right? Let me know your suggestions below on what you would like to be discussed about godly dating.

Today we are going to help you answer if he is the one for you!

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The passage is taken from Ephesians 5:25 (NIV).

Ephesians 5:25 (NIV):

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

1.    Does he love you scripturally? (Ephesians 5:25). Here we are told husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church-this means that the way that man of God loves you should bless your spirit. He should not ask you to compromise your purity neither should he treat you in a lustful manner i.e asking you to be sexually active before marriage.

2.    Does he know Christ? (Ephesians 5:25). This should actually be the first point but I want to make sure you guys are following a sequence. My point here is that man of God should be able to teach you about Jesus Christ-not the other way around. Think about it for a second-how will he love you like Christ loved the church if he doesn’t know Christ personally? It’s not possible. So ask yourself-does he know Christ?

3.    Is that man selfish? (Ephesians 5:25). He should be selfless. For instance does he seek for you to gratify him sexually even though you are not married? Does he make excuses for you to compromise your purity? Does he act like you are being selfish whenever you talk to him about your Christian standards? Does he go out of his way to show you he cares? Let’s be honest here-if he is not doing any of this he is not selfless-he is selfish-and a man of God is selfless because Christ gave himself up for the church. So does that man do the giving or the taking? Think-does he take your peace, does he take from your understanding of Christ rather than adding to your peace, and adding to your understanding of Christ?

4.    Does he love you as a wife? (Ephesians 5:25). Courtship is in preparation for marriage and so that man of God should already be speaking to your spirit as a wife-you should be able to recognize him as a husband-a man that is led by God and walking in his salvation-does he remind you of Christian values in his actions, his responses? What is his approach to marriage? Soes he avoid that subject entirely or become very quiet and uncomfortable when you broach the subject? Does he love you like a wife should be loved? In other words, does he seek to build your spirit and add strength to your soul?

5.    Does he remind you of Christ? (Ephesians 5:25). Hear me out here-I don’t mean you should idolize your husband or that man because that is not of God! What I mean is does he remind you of Christian values? The Word says husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the church-hence he should model the love of Christ for the church-he should be a reflection of it. And to do that he has to have Christian values. Does his approach to certain subjects and topics remind you of worldly men rather than godly men? Does he add knowledge to your spirit? Or does he seek to compromise your purity? How does he handle anger and delicate situations? How does he treat others?

These are some questions you should seriously think about if you are looking for a mate-does that man answer all these questions in the positive or negative? Then you have your answer if he is a man after your heart before God or not.

What are your thoughts on how to know he is the one for you?

Check out my Youtube channel for the next couple of weeks as we will be discussing this more and more over the next few episodes both there and on here.

God Bless!

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EPISODE 3: HE WAS MARRIED

O shares her story with us and asks the community on advice concerning a dilemma she is presented with right now.

Is it acceptable to marry a divorcee?

What are your thoughts?

I want to remind our readers this is a judgment free zone-your thoughts should be simply to advice O in her current situation.

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1. What's your love story/history? 

My history of love really sucks. I have never dated a young guy or anyone single.

I always end up being used in a way, but one time I ever truly loved, I loved wrongly because I later realized he was married and we were together for so many years while I was searching for admission into the University.

I did a 2-year diploma program before I was admitted, so you know how long I was in it. Throughout this period I felt loved, got everything I wanted-but I always felt caged.

This relationship was so much in my head that I wanted to be his second wife. All these years he had prevented me from having normal regular relationships with younger guys-he knew everything about me.

He supported my family even though it was from a distance because they knew I was in a relationship but never knew he was older and married.

I grew older and realized I was wrong for getting involved with another woman’s husband and after going to church and with counseling, I pulled out of the relationship but with the perception that I never want to date, court or marry a young guy cause I have experienced both sides and I feel the older, the better for me.

Fast forward to 2014-I got a Facebook request and I accepted. I got chatting with this guy. He lives in the U.S. After months of on and off communication in 2014, I lost my immediate brother and I moved closer to Christ. I got more involved with church and I joined the worship team because I really, really do love to sing and I began the Christian race.

But married men of all kinds and types started coming with the most juicy offers, but with God I scaled even though I was craving for a good relationship with a godly man in his late 30's/40's.

2.  How did it start with your previous relationship with the married man?

 My relationship with the married man started the year I just got out of secondary school and had started my diploma program.

He offered me a ride on my way back from school and we got talking. He definitely knew I was a minor. But because I had over grown my age, most people took me for an adult because of my bodily features.

He promised to assist me through school even though I clearly didn't need help as at that time and he took my number. He later called that same evening and got me really nice things-I would never forget that night he dropped me off at the back of my house and started touching me in sensitive parts of my body.

“I was so dumbfounded I didn’t say a word.”

— O

I got home and noticed there was a bundle of money in one of the bags which I secretly took into my room.

I alerted him and he said it was for my up keep.

Days grew into weeks and months until he eventually took my virginity and I thought it was normal because he was my boyfriend.

3. Any warning signs that show he/she is married if there is no ring on display?

“All this while I had noticed he doesn’t pick some calls and when he does, he quickly ended the calls: it was his wife.”

— O

After a year or so I finally figured he was married when I kept seeing kiddies items in the car and he accepted he was married. Then he started telling me to ask for anything I wanted or needed when I gained proper admission into the University.

He rented a house for me and got all I needed. But by this time I was already used to him and still referred to him as my boyfriend.

I can't really say there are signs to spotting a married man even without his band.

But I can say that a promiscuous married man would make you see reasons why you shouldn't be with a younger guy.

He would do the things most young men are trying so hard to do for other girls-he would be a good adviser, academically & morally, he would make you feel guilt free & say he is the one cheating on his wife, not you.

Because most times when I realized I was wrong and asked how his wife would feel, he would hold my hands and tell me not to worry because I am not at fault, his wife was at fault for making him go outside.

4. How did he prevent you from having normal, regular relationships? Was he always tracking your movements for instance?

He prevented me from getting into a normal regular relationship because he took me from school sometimes during the week out of town when he was on official assignment. He paid me unannounced visits in school and usually would take me from school to my house on weekends when I needed to be home.

He knew my close friends and he kept close tabs on me.

5. Tell us a bit more about your encounter with this man on Facebook.

 Fast forward to 2015 I got a call one day from my Facebook friend and he was depressed. He told me he had just lost his dad-I knew the pains and I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me how to comfort him. We talked everyday, we chatted, I told him how I had lost a brother the previous year and I comforted him through out the period though sometimes I get really angry when he keeps going over and over the loss of his dad.

Many months passed and we kept things low key till 2016-we got back to chatting and he told me he was coming to Nigeria. I had a tough time for a minute but I realized I would finally get to meet him. I got a call on my way to church and it was my Facebook friend-he had just landed and called me first to let me know.

We talked after service and he promised to send money for my flight ticket so we could meet. Days went by with our usual on/off communication and I got an alert one day with his name as the depositor. He later called and we made plans and I was going to book a flight but after 2 days, I wasn't convinced and I told him to come over instead. The reason I wasn't convinced to fly over to see him, was because I was scared initially and then things didn't work out fine as regards taking my leave that period and I assumed it was all intentional. I had prayed about it just a few times, but I really can't say if I heard from God. I went chatting with him again because I wanted to know why he had sent such amount of money.

He told me about his fears for Nigerian local flights and after some days I tried reaching him but he told me he had gone back to the States.

We got back talking again and he told me how unhappy he was because he never got to see me-as months went by with constant communication, he decided to ask if I would date him.

I prayed about it and we got dating. All this time I have known him to be a good Christian, he is a good instrumentalist.

We build ourselves spiritually. He has brought me up in my down moments and vice versa.

One day while we got talking I asked about his past and I got a shocker.

“He’s been married before with kids.”

— O

I was thrown off balance-I cried to bed that night asking God why he had allowed me fall in love with a divorcee.

He called for many days but I needed to hear from God.

I later got talking after a week and he told me he wanted to tell me in person when he visited Nigeria and didn't mean to hurt me with the truth.

I got to know about his entire past but I still haven’t heard from God about it, if I should go ahead or back out.

“I need to know if there are scriptures against marrying a divorcee???

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— O

He has popped the question asking me to be his wife and he wants to come see my people. 

I have not seen him in person yet, but I have lots of his daily pictures he sends to me and videos of him cooking and lots of him playing his instrument in church.

But I still need to be sure that this is right & acceptable before GOD. 

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I love him so much, but I need a happily ever after with peace from GOD.

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So what are your thoughts guys?

Should O consider marrying a divorcee? Why/why not?

Remember guys-no judgment here-we share to help each other grow, learn and heal.

Thank you for sharing your story with us O!

You can catch The Love Diaries Episode 1 here and Episode 2 here

To share your story with the community or to ask a question-you can send me an e-mail-you will be kept anonymous: tolu@tolufalode.com.

9 QUICK STEPS TO SAVING & SPLURGING

Let’s get started on getting you financially on track through these 10 simple steps!

1.     Make Your Wallet Your Friend: This in essence means that you should be speaking to your wallet not at it on a daily basis. You speak at your wallet when you expect it to provide financial answers to your daily needs-i.e coffee, tickets, shopping etc. Your wallet is your friend for life-so let it be your compass for indicating where and on what items you can and cannot afford-this will save you time, energy and effort.

2.     Become Financially Fluent: Learn to speak the language of finance-this happens when you spend time investigating your finances. This will also enable you to better communicate with your wallet. There is a language behind every financial success and failure. What is the language behind yours? Where do you spend money? As a matter of fact-how do you spend money?

3.     Divide and Conquer: What are your wants as opposed to your needs. Your needs must be attended to while your wants can wait. Your needs are priority like shelter, food and clothes but they become wants when there is surplus-i.e you decide to order take away on a daily basis instead of cooking your meals or having a meal prep plan if you work late. The problem here begins when we see our wants as our needs and the issue is our wants get us into a financial fix. But practice makes perfect. So when you have that urge for burgers-go to the grocery store and buy the ingredients to make it yourself. Google is your friend if you don’t know how. This not only enables you to become more conversant with your needs but it enables you to mature in your wants. For instance you need a coat but do you need it in different shades? Of course not! When you make your finances your friend, you begin to understand where your financial triggers are. And this allows you to develop self-control which means you let your wallet do the walking which means your wallet begins to lead you into where your finances are worth the investment so you don’t waste your money or your time.

4.     Carry Cash: I like to call credit cards the “cradle of debt” because this is usually where it begins. This is because when you spend money you can’t see, you spend money you don’t have. The problem here is it makes you financially blind and unaware of your expenses. When you have cash-you are reminded each time you dip into your wallet of your financial situation. It is a constant reminder that you do not have money to spend that you do not have which in turn makes you more careful with your finances.

5.     The Sale Struggle: Just because there is a sale going on at your favorite clothing store, does not mean you have to break the bank. Make a list of the items you need not the items you want. Another tip is to give yourself a limit on the items you want if there is room for such an indulgence this way you are constantly accessing your finances from a logical rather than an emotional vantage point. I like to say money speaks fast because where your money is, is where your mind is so if your mind is on that jacket and the different occasions-mind you occasions-you can wear it, your money will quickly talk you into a financial pit.

6.     Treat Yo. Self-This may sound counter intuitive but you have to learn to invest where you can experience financial comfort without breaking the bank-this may include saving to spend on a spa treat once a month, ordering in once a week/month depending on your budget-but the goal here is to reward yourself for your financial independent strides.

7.     Save Space-Learn to save space for future constraints. Teach yourself the art of saving money-make a note to try and save money each week that would not be spent on any other area but towards a future desire. This will give you a reason to save and the mindset to sustain you through the process of saving. Make that future desire flexible so you can also learn to adapt your saving strategy as you grow over time.

8.     Cut Costs Where You Can- Make lunch instead of buying lunch. Wait till there is a sale to purchase those shoes you don’t need for this present season. Look for discount items in the store that you need. Make your own coffee and take it to work instead of going to a coffee shop. This will also help you assess your finances consistently, which in turn makes you better as practice makes perfect.

9.     Save To Serve- This is a concept that I invented-it means where can you serve your audience and save for yourself? For instance, your business might be more valuable/cheaper online than a physical store, which saves you money and could also serve your audience better as it may make purchases easier, they can view items faster and they can also share with their friends! This is a save to serve mindset-you put your money where your mouth is-you save money where it least benefits your audience in terms of service and you invest money where you can both get a financial return on your investment.

These steps will enable you to better access your spending and splurging habits!

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