EPISODE 4: WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING

O began sharing her story with us last week and you can check it out here. 

This week we delved a bit deeper into her experiences.

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1. You mentioned a young guy-What was your experience with him?

Yes the young guy I cared so much about at one point and thought I could get it right with at that time in school was not who I thought he was.

He came after me and played me the whole time collecting things from me.

I got him a phone, I paid his rent during our 2nd year and he kept taking advantage of the fact that I loved him till I discovered he was dating someone else.

I was heartbroken because all I got from the married man I was giving him and I had only gotten bad habits from him like I never used to smoke till I met him and all of that.

2. What was the difference between the married man and the young man?

 The difference between the married man and the young man was that the married man gave me good moral advice; he would talk sense into me when I went off track at home.

I graduated with a 3.03 GPA because he would promise me gifts if I made good grades in school. He made me stay off really wayward girls in school but it didn't change the fact that I was living a sinful life or dating another woman's husband, meanwhile all the younger guy wanted was sex, money, party, smoking etc but that doesn't mean that is all young guys want or are after.

3. So you experienced being approached by married men in the church?

Could you shed a bit of light on this for our readers to understand the dangers here i.e how they approached you?

“Married men in church are like wolfs in sheep clothing. Not all of them, but there are this set that make ungodly passes to ladies in church. One of my leaders back then even attempted kissing me in the counseling room while I was alone.”

— O

A married man in church made suggestive comments about my bow legs and how girls with such legs are usually good in bed.

I even noticed most times, a lot of them would keep staring at my boobs. One of my unit leaders had one time said "so you mean it's only your boyfriend that is enjoying all this breast"

 I was shocked for a man I respected so much. At some point I began to think the single guys were more morally upright compared to the married men in church, because if a single guy wants you, he would approach you either by becoming friends or asking you to be his girl. 

4. What did you learn from this experience/What are you learning ?

I learned to open up, at some point when my married man friend started going through a major crisis in his home and knowing fully that I was the cause, I decided to rededicate my life to Christ and I went in for counseling-I was paired with a very warm hearted mature single lady, who's like a big sister to me now.

She made me see reasons why I need to cut off from such a relationship; she became my listening ears and I have learned to pray about things and make decisions through the help of the Holy Spirit.

5. What's your advise to other men/women currently in/searching for a relationship?

My advice for those in such relationships is that I pray you find the strength to let go.

It won't be easy initially, because the money would cease coming and you may feel like going back to apologize to him and give him what he wants which is your body in return for money that you cannot save or make anything tangible from.

But you need the Holy Spirit to help you, you also need a good friend, someone who's got it right spiritually &morally. My big sister, she knows so much about me, she checks up on me, she helps me financially, I do the little I can also for her. 

We all need someone like Tolu Falode.

To those searching I really don't know what to say, but may the Holy Spirit guide us right.

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Amen!

Thank you so much for sharing your story O-God will bless and help you as you continue on your journey.

What are your thoughts on O’s experience guys? What did you learn and what is your advice to her?

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You can submit your entry for The Love Diaries to: tolu@tolufalode.com

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EPISODE 3: HE WAS MARRIED

O shares her story with us and asks the community on advice concerning a dilemma she is presented with right now.

Is it acceptable to marry a divorcee?

What are your thoughts?

I want to remind our readers this is a judgment free zone-your thoughts should be simply to advice O in her current situation.

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1. What's your love story/history? 

My history of love really sucks. I have never dated a young guy or anyone single.

I always end up being used in a way, but one time I ever truly loved, I loved wrongly because I later realized he was married and we were together for so many years while I was searching for admission into the University.

I did a 2-year diploma program before I was admitted, so you know how long I was in it. Throughout this period I felt loved, got everything I wanted-but I always felt caged.

This relationship was so much in my head that I wanted to be his second wife. All these years he had prevented me from having normal regular relationships with younger guys-he knew everything about me.

He supported my family even though it was from a distance because they knew I was in a relationship but never knew he was older and married.

I grew older and realized I was wrong for getting involved with another woman’s husband and after going to church and with counseling, I pulled out of the relationship but with the perception that I never want to date, court or marry a young guy cause I have experienced both sides and I feel the older, the better for me.

Fast forward to 2014-I got a Facebook request and I accepted. I got chatting with this guy. He lives in the U.S. After months of on and off communication in 2014, I lost my immediate brother and I moved closer to Christ. I got more involved with church and I joined the worship team because I really, really do love to sing and I began the Christian race.

But married men of all kinds and types started coming with the most juicy offers, but with God I scaled even though I was craving for a good relationship with a godly man in his late 30's/40's.

2.  How did it start with your previous relationship with the married man?

 My relationship with the married man started the year I just got out of secondary school and had started my diploma program.

He offered me a ride on my way back from school and we got talking. He definitely knew I was a minor. But because I had over grown my age, most people took me for an adult because of my bodily features.

He promised to assist me through school even though I clearly didn't need help as at that time and he took my number. He later called that same evening and got me really nice things-I would never forget that night he dropped me off at the back of my house and started touching me in sensitive parts of my body.

“I was so dumbfounded I didn’t say a word.”

— O

I got home and noticed there was a bundle of money in one of the bags which I secretly took into my room.

I alerted him and he said it was for my up keep.

Days grew into weeks and months until he eventually took my virginity and I thought it was normal because he was my boyfriend.

3. Any warning signs that show he/she is married if there is no ring on display?

“All this while I had noticed he doesn’t pick some calls and when he does, he quickly ended the calls: it was his wife.”

— O

After a year or so I finally figured he was married when I kept seeing kiddies items in the car and he accepted he was married. Then he started telling me to ask for anything I wanted or needed when I gained proper admission into the University.

He rented a house for me and got all I needed. But by this time I was already used to him and still referred to him as my boyfriend.

I can't really say there are signs to spotting a married man even without his band.

But I can say that a promiscuous married man would make you see reasons why you shouldn't be with a younger guy.

He would do the things most young men are trying so hard to do for other girls-he would be a good adviser, academically & morally, he would make you feel guilt free & say he is the one cheating on his wife, not you.

Because most times when I realized I was wrong and asked how his wife would feel, he would hold my hands and tell me not to worry because I am not at fault, his wife was at fault for making him go outside.

4. How did he prevent you from having normal, regular relationships? Was he always tracking your movements for instance?

He prevented me from getting into a normal regular relationship because he took me from school sometimes during the week out of town when he was on official assignment. He paid me unannounced visits in school and usually would take me from school to my house on weekends when I needed to be home.

He knew my close friends and he kept close tabs on me.

5. Tell us a bit more about your encounter with this man on Facebook.

 Fast forward to 2015 I got a call one day from my Facebook friend and he was depressed. He told me he had just lost his dad-I knew the pains and I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me how to comfort him. We talked everyday, we chatted, I told him how I had lost a brother the previous year and I comforted him through out the period though sometimes I get really angry when he keeps going over and over the loss of his dad.

Many months passed and we kept things low key till 2016-we got back to chatting and he told me he was coming to Nigeria. I had a tough time for a minute but I realized I would finally get to meet him. I got a call on my way to church and it was my Facebook friend-he had just landed and called me first to let me know.

We talked after service and he promised to send money for my flight ticket so we could meet. Days went by with our usual on/off communication and I got an alert one day with his name as the depositor. He later called and we made plans and I was going to book a flight but after 2 days, I wasn't convinced and I told him to come over instead. The reason I wasn't convinced to fly over to see him, was because I was scared initially and then things didn't work out fine as regards taking my leave that period and I assumed it was all intentional. I had prayed about it just a few times, but I really can't say if I heard from God. I went chatting with him again because I wanted to know why he had sent such amount of money.

He told me about his fears for Nigerian local flights and after some days I tried reaching him but he told me he had gone back to the States.

We got back talking again and he told me how unhappy he was because he never got to see me-as months went by with constant communication, he decided to ask if I would date him.

I prayed about it and we got dating. All this time I have known him to be a good Christian, he is a good instrumentalist.

We build ourselves spiritually. He has brought me up in my down moments and vice versa.

One day while we got talking I asked about his past and I got a shocker.

“He’s been married before with kids.”

— O

I was thrown off balance-I cried to bed that night asking God why he had allowed me fall in love with a divorcee.

He called for many days but I needed to hear from God.

I later got talking after a week and he told me he wanted to tell me in person when he visited Nigeria and didn't mean to hurt me with the truth.

I got to know about his entire past but I still haven’t heard from God about it, if I should go ahead or back out.

“I need to know if there are scriptures against marrying a divorcee???

”

— O

He has popped the question asking me to be his wife and he wants to come see my people. 

I have not seen him in person yet, but I have lots of his daily pictures he sends to me and videos of him cooking and lots of him playing his instrument in church.

But I still need to be sure that this is right & acceptable before GOD. 

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I love him so much, but I need a happily ever after with peace from GOD.

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So what are your thoughts guys?

Should O consider marrying a divorcee? Why/why not?

Remember guys-no judgment here-we share to help each other grow, learn and heal.

Thank you for sharing your story with us O!

You can catch The Love Diaries Episode 1 here and Episode 2 here

To share your story with the community or to ask a question-you can send me an e-mail-you will be kept anonymous: tolu@tolufalode.com.

EPISODE 2: IT WASN'T FOR ME

I loved reading K’s story and so I decided to delve deeper into an aspect of her experience I believed could be helpful to our community-

online dating.

K shares so much wisdom that would help men and women see how God works differently in relationships-and to understand insights as to how online dating should be approached.

Read below!

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1.

What were your experiences with the two men that were not God-sent?

I would like to give a quick background to these two experiences. I think that would be helpful.

I was encouraged by some friends and some family members to go online and try online dating last summer; which the Lord never told me to do. He didn’t stop me, but He also didn’t encourage me to do this. Unfortunately, I took the advice of people instead of waiting on the Lord.

Not that online dating is bad or isn’t the way the Lord chooses to put people together. But for me, it is not what He wanted and my experiences proved that.

The first man I met online seemed to be a good solid Christian and seemed to be genuinely focused on finding a God-based relationship. After a week of communicating with him through email, I started to notice how he always wanted to talk about his feelings for me; how his feelings were so strong and that he believed the Lord had brought us together.

However, the Lord hadn’t told me that.

J

I tried to go deeper in conversation and find out the type of person he was (what he wanted in a wife, his politics – which for me is important – his likes and dislikes) but he would choose to focus on his feelings.

After only two weeks of email conversations, he wanted to start calling me “sweetheart”, “baby” and other endearing names that, for me, should be used when you are engaged and married; not when you are only corresponding by email for two weeks.

An alarm went off in my head and though I had been bringing this “relationship” to the Lord the entire time, I was then on my knees to the Lord asking Him about this fear and why this guy was really trying to rush things and why I was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

The Lord immediately took me to

Philippians 4:4

and to

2 Timothy 1:7

(not a spirit of fear but of power, love and self control).

After reading that I received an email from the man and his true needs were exposed: he was very lonely, had been divorced for 2 years and was getting tired of coming home to an empty house and having to cook his own meals

.

The man needed the Lord not a spouse (he was not ready for one in my opinion) and I responded to him that he needed to go to the Lord on this and – in so many words – I broke off the online relationship with him.

The second man I met online a short time after that had quite a few red flags right off the bat but I felt like I needed to give him a chance.

I had gotten this idea from a friend of mine to give guys a chance; bad advice if you see red flags.

These red flags included a persistent negativity to his emails, not really asking in depth questions about me personally or what he wanted in a relationship; but tended to focus on himself, and when I told him I only wanted a serious relationship with a man who had a relationship with Christ, his response was that “he went to church” and was not a “bible-thumper”.

But after three weeks of corresponding with each other online, and being pressured by him to meet in person, I decided to go out on my very first date (ever) with this man. I had a sense of impending doom before the date and I kept praying to the Lord to give me an excuse not to go but the Lord said to my heart to go on the date and He would be with me. And he certainly was!

When I met the man the Lord immediately put a veil over me; that is the only way I can describe it; a literal veil of protection.

The man had lied through our email correspondence and was a lot older than he said he was.

During the hour and a half I spent with this man, all he did was talk about himself and how his life was like the Sopranos (an HBO program about the Mafia – why would I find that interesting or attractive?).

He asked no questions of me personally; it was all about him. I had been very direct with this man through our emails that I had a deep relationship with Christ and that was what I wanted in a man. He obviously hadn’t been listening to me and that was not his goal for our relationship; we were two different ships sailing in the seas. This was sealed at the end of the date when he began to leer at me and I couldn’t get out of the restaurant fast enough. I never went out with him again and immediately removed myself from all of the online dating services that I was on. Definitely not of God for me!

2.

How did you grow from that experience?

I learned immediately that when the Lord wants to bring me my future husband He will do it in His way; not the way of the world.

 Online dating for me was not that way - though it can be for others so I am not bashing that path of finding your spouse. It just wasn’t for me

.

I also learned to lean upon the knowledge and wisdom of the Lord and the Holy Spirit.

Not the advice from friends and family members who (though they might mean well) may not be the Lord’s mouthpiece to point you toward your future spouse.

They might be used by the evil one to plant seeds of the world that are to take you off track from the Lord’s path for you.

Always run things by the Lord and wait for Him to answer; even the advice from others.

3.

Did your emotions get in the way?

With the first guy, my emotions did start to get in the way the first week of communications because I had never had a Christian man show interest in me (or I never noticed before). I was enjoying the attention. But during quiet times when I would have questions pop up in my head that I would not get an answer to from this man, that created doubt. With that doubt, I began to put my emotions aside and focus on the reality of the situation that if this was the Lord’s will, I would also have the emotion of peace and I didn’t have that.

The only issue with my emotions with the second guy is that I was trying really hard to find something positive about the man.

I would rationalize things away so I could give him a “chance”.

 Definitely don’t do this. If you have to make excuses for someone and you have to really look to find things about that person that you like, they are not for you.

The Lord isn’t going to put you with someone that you have to try super hard to find things you enjoy about them; it will come naturally with warmth and peace.

4.

How were you able to stand by your decision to walk away from those relationships? Any tips for men/women struggling with this?

With the first man, I had prayed for the right email to write to this man, knowing that he was not for me (from the reasons I noted above) and that he really did need the Lord in his loneliness. Being lonely is not a good reason to get into a relationship as it masks real needs and the real person. After I had written that email and before I sent it, I had the peace of the Lord. I then hit send. I did feel bad for the man as he was very nice and needed spiritual help. So I did pray for him for a couple of days until the Lord gave me the peace that He had this man in His hand. No regrets.

With the second man, after that disastrous first date, and the feelings of nausea and disgust that I began to feel toward this man (who was a liar and full of lust and had no fruits of the Spirit),

I just cut him off with no feelings of regret

. I actually had a huge sense of relief and praise for the Lord as He was right there with me during that date; protecting me from this man and showing me who he really was.

The best tip I can give to others when meeting a person, with the goal of looking for your mate,

is to first take it to God.

Before you actually meet up with them. I had heard someone say that the Lord is your Father so why wouldn’t you want to ask your Father about the man/woman you are about to go out on a date with? Your Heavenly Father only wants the best for you because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

He’ll tell you whether to go, not go, or that regardless of how it turns out, He’ll be with you to guide you.

I also recommend that when you are out with that person, put the emotions aside and really listen to what they say. Get the other person to talk as much as possible and they will reveal who they are; but you have to really listen.

I know that can be hard when they have such beautiful eyes or a lovely smile. But discerning as much as possible early will save you time, money and emotional investment instead of finding that out 5-10 dates later.

Finally, I would also recommend not taking what others say to you (early on) about that person too seriously. Also carefully discern the “advice” they are giving you. When people offer their advice and you don’t ask for it and that advice is contrary to God’s Word as well as your own conscience, then don’t heed their advice as they could be seeds to lead you astray.

I had a friend tell me when I told her what happened with my first date (with the second man): “I wish I would have had your courage to break it off when you knew that he wasn’t for you. I had listened to my mother and my sisters and continued to go out with a man and a year later I finally had the courage to break it off with him.” You know how much pain, emotions and physical intimacy was wasted on someone that was not her spouse? I don’t want that to happen to me.

J

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Thank you K-you have been such a blessing from these 2 powerful insights!

Given the revelation received through this series I have decided to make it permanent and will be posting stories as part of the series as we move forward so feel free to share yours whenever you’re ready-it will remain

anonymous:

e-mail:

tolu@tolufalode.com

.

What were the deepest lessons you learned from K’s story on online dating?

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EPISODE 1: HE COMES FIRST

K’s

 story is truly inspiring and one of overcoming challenges to find her first love-Christ. It is a story of true love and how He finds us even when we lose ourselves. Enjoy! 

1.

What's your love story/history?

My love story begins with the Lord Himself. I truly believe that any love story needs to start with the originator of love itself and that is the Lord. Without the Lord you will not have a true love story – His love story is beautiful and perfect in every way!

I am currently in waiting for my earthly love story to begin but I have been in love with Jesus Christ and my love story with Him continues to deepen and blossom in ways that are beyond anything I could have expected. 

I know that the Lord is refining me and molding me for my future husband and I get closer every day to him. I am praying for my future husband. The Holy Spirit is preparing me spiritually, physically and mentality to be a Godly wife-a woman after the Lord’s own heart and a crown upon my husband’s head. 

2.

How did it start?

For the last five years the Lord has been “wooing” me back to Him. Though I have always been a Christ follower, I tended to be very independent, controlling, and decisive in my own life; I only gave to God what I was comfortable with and what I felt I could still have some “idea” that I was still in control. 

That began to change five years ago.

It was around the time of my father’s death in 2012 where I had the desire to get baptized and after I was baptized, I was overwhelmed with the desire to give my whole self to the Lord. I wanted to be His bride. 

This put me on a path for two years of discerning the religious life. Unlike my friends and most women, I had never had the desire to marry or to be in relationship with a man. 

When my friends would get married, I would be happy for them and then have a flood of relief that it wasn’t me and I was “free” to do my own thing. But in 2014, that desire to be a wife began to surface and I wanted to be the Lord’s bride. The idea of a man in that equation was not in my realm of thinking whatsoever.

Though I was at peace for the most part, about forsaking everything for a life of prayer and dedication to Christ, the one thing I couldn’t seem to understand was the adoration and love I saw in many of the nuns (religious sisters) that I spent time with (and that is what is important to note here). I didn’t have full peace. It was a missing piece of the puzzle that the Lord was going to answer on December 27, 2014.

By the time Christmas 2014 rolled around, I had chosen what I thought was the right convent for me and I got half of the paperwork and requirements completed in preparation to join the following summer. However, a couple of days after Christmas I began to feel restless. I was having a hard time sleeping and began to ask the Lord what was going on. 

On the morning of the 27

th

 the Lord gave me my answer: He asked me to step away from the religious life and be willing to be the bride of a man. When He said that to me, I felt His overwhelming love and His sacrifice for me on the Cross. Feeling my Lord’s love and pain, I cried for two days. All I could feel was my Lord’s heart toward me; something I had never experienced before in my life. I was numb; I literally lost my identity as the Lord began to wipe me clean of everything I liked, enjoyed, identified myself with and my own desires. This also resulted in a very loud and audible “no” to the religious life. It was as if God dropped a boulder right in front of my face and I was not to proceed. 

After a month of wandering, seeking and feeling completely lost, not knowing what to do and where to go, the Lord put my foot on a plain path and placed the desire in my heart to pray for my future husband and instructed me to go to Montana. 

It has been almost two years since I have been in Montana and the Lord continues to break me, refine me and has drawn me closer to Him than ever before. Though it has been very hard (having lost my job in the process and developed some physical challenges now), I can see some of what He is doing with me; conforming me to Him and renewing my mind towards my future husband. 

Though I have had some detours along the way in two years, the Lord is good to always bring me back after teaching me the lesson to learn and to see what real love is through Him. 

3.

What are/were the challenges?

Wow, tons of challenges. Waiting, being patient, being discerning. Not every man that shows you attention is God’s best for you. Some are sent from the evil one (have had that experience now with two men). I would also say trying to be sober-minded and not emotionally driven.

4.

What did you learn?

Wait on the Lord and trust also in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4-5). This is not easy but very necessary. The Lord knows the heart of the man that is in search of you. The Lord knows all of his ways and will prepare you and him for each other. But you have to wait on the Lord if you want His best and His ultimate choice. 

The most important thing I have been learning is that marriage or relationship is not really about you and the other person: it is solely about Him and His sovereign will. His perfect will. Marriage is the reflection of God’s love and relationship that He wants to have with you. Dying to each other for real, pure love is what Christ did for us and what He continues to do for us. It is about relationship with the Lord and pleasing Him to give Him glory by dying to yourself and serving your spouse. And as Christ said in Matthew 6:33: “seek the kingdom of God first and He will give you everything you need”: including a loving Godly relationship with a man/woman after the Lord’s own heart. 

5.

What's your advise to other men/women currently in/searching for a relationship?

Trust in God first for His timing and His choice. Yes, this is the hardest thing to do. I am walking this path right now and might still be walking in it 5-20 years from now. But for me, I want His best. I want His will. I am head over heels in love with my Lord and I want to please Him above anyone and anything else. 

Your relationship with God is the most important relationship that you will ever have on this Earth and beyond. And He loves you more than any other human being ever can. The author and creator of love wants you in good, loving relationships.

That is His will for you! We were made to give and receive love. 

But if you want His best, you have to wait; give the Lord time to work on you, making you more beautiful and holy in His eyes than you can possibility imagine! And always remember: if the Lord is doing this to you because how much He loves you, just think about how He is also transforming your spouse into the right person you will need and love with all of your being. 

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Thank you so much 

K

 for sharing! I truly enjoyed this post and Episode 2 would be even more revealing for our readers!

Remember-you can share your story as well at: 

tolu@tolufalode.com

What did you learn from K's story?