I
fought her to find you-I heard your whisper but couldn’t see you. Through the
tears, the pain, the confusion-all the emotions boiling through-spreading to
those I loved-who were hurt by the spew. I couldn’t understand you-I couldn’t
see you-I could feel you so clearly trying to burst through. Fighting natural
urges to give, to learn to receive-both good and bad news. To learn not to
become the captain of my own shipwrecked views.
I
was stubborn; strict but at the same time I could feel a deep hunger from
within-searching for something I could not yet see-and that was how I nearly
lost everything.
Through
the chaos, the stress, giving into other people’s emotions-pulling unto regret.
Boiling silently like some deceitful brew-waiting so patiently to spew venom
into their smiles of truth-I was afraid of you. You spoke so clearly, eloquently;
you knew how to make people trust you. You knew where to strike when someone
was struggling too. You knew how to captivate their attention through your
ominous looks-they misunderstood you-I did too. I couldn’t see why you kept
choosing hatred and guilt over so many other powerful tools. Twisting and
twirling through each relationship hoping to find you-to finally see yourself-playing
another’s muse. Failing to release your own creative truths.
But
they hurt you. They hurt you more
than you could have thought possible. You trusted too many people with your
vulnerability and it pained you. You screamed with every push and prod they
used against you. They turned your shield into a sword to injure you. They took
all you wanted and used it to hurt you. Whispered words of trust scattered into
the darkness as they betrayed you. They cut you; beat you-they nearly battered
you-with all you whispered in their ears-they showed no signs of regrets as
they turned against you.
So
I fought you. You trusted too many people with our secrets-too many views. You
told too many lies and not enough truths. You spoke so harshly when words did
not need to be used. You trampled on others as you suffered in silence-you held
them as victims against your views. You hurt them because they hurt you. All those years spent trusting and waiting and
hoping for someone to see you. It made you blind to your own power-your own
potential-you couldn’t see your issues. You refused to face them when they
faced you. And it cost you. It tore you apart and like a whirlwind it stole
from you-many memories were lost as it littered the trail of relationships gone
askew. They weren’t all your fault-that much is true.
Some
people couldn’t be trusted-you had to choose you. When faced with that choice
finally when you sat down to look. When it all came crumbling because of many a
fatality that had borne the brunt of your brutality-you grew tired and released
envy. You refused to discuss anymore with revenge-you realized it was not worth
it. And so you released the poison from your energy. Hard as it was-I fought
her to find you.
I
fought her determination to make everyone pay for what they had cost you. I
fought her screams of disbelief as she tried to remind you with painful
memories of what they had done to you. I stared deep into each picture and
chose to release bitterness because of you.
To
find you-my purpose, to reach my core-to connect truly with you-to realize at
the end of it all-no one is worth giving up on yourself to carry their burdened
views-it is not worth the stench to build a pyre reeking with their mixed
views-burning away in wasted energy, anger, plotting revenge silently. It was
not worth the sacrifice over you. And finally you managed to breathe through. A
gasp of air released, and purpose was birthed from that dark decision to leave
the past behind in ashes-you rose like a phoenix and now you reflect who I am
internally-now I can see you-and finally I see the woman who I wanted to be-the
woman I could feel yearning from within to be released-I see all of her
reflected in you.
I fought her to find
you-through the ashes of deceit you came through-birthed in a powerful furnace
of destiny released-the burnt ashes of betrayal at your feet.--
First published-Bella Naija.